God is Still Good

"It can be well with your soul and not well with your circumstances"-Jennifer Rothschild 

September 26, 2025 would have been Papa's 81st birthday. It's also my first baby's heavenly birthday. I was 8.5 weeks pregnant when we lost our baby. I've spent so much time thinking about how to best say it, but there really isn't an eloquent or gentle way to put it. It's heart breaking, devastating, and gut wrenching. It's something that changes you forever. I will never be the same. I've felt so many emotions from devastation to shock to fear to confusion to anger. Honestly I'm still struggling. Isn't God good? This doesn't feel good. Why would God give me a child just to take it away so painfully? I thought He carefully knit each of us together in the womb. Did I make a mistake or do something wrong? I was so careful.

I found out I was pregnant at the end of August. If you know me, you know that I'm kind of a control freak. I hate change and struggle with anxiety and fear of the unknown. Pregnancy felt very much out of my control and full of unknowns. All of the sudden, I had a tiny little human that was counting on me. We quickly became a team together. It's hard to describe how I suddenly felt like I was never alone and had someone to talk to at all times...even if they are the size of a lentil. I could feel the life inside of me days before I even took a test. What a supernatural experience! I was excited but also more overwhelmed than ever before. On top of that, Papa passed away a week after I found out I was pregnant. It felt like too much. I didn't think I could handle the emotional weight. But God carried me through. 

September proved to be the longest month of my life. There was so much change all at once. I was completely aware of my lack of control and was uncomfortable with how it made me feel. I felt like I was having to do a lot of "big girl" things all at once. I clung to Jesus to get me through each day. He gave me peace and comfort when I needed it most. On the 22nd I got to hear my sweet baby's heartbeat. I've played the recording countless times. It's a moment I'll treasure forever. A few days later it was all over...it almost felt like a dream. Why would God allow this bad thing to happen after I put all of my strength and confidence in His sovereignty with every step?

The truth is, some answers don't come until we get to heaven. Sin created brokenness, pain, and suffering when it entered the world. Bad things happen. Our pain can cause us to be angry and to question God. In those moments, it's so important to stay grounded in the Truth. With every question or angry thought, I remind myself of what I know to be true. God is good. God loves me. God loves little children. God doesn't take delight in my suffering. God is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18-20). What breaks my heart breaks His too. In fact, He sent His Son Jesus to die for my sin. He knows my pain and more. God did not do this to me, but He did allow it, and I choose to hold fast to His promise that He is working all things for good in my life...even the painful things (Romans 8:28). Faith is not wavering in trust or confidence in the One True God even when circumstances are hard and hurtful. 

I won't know here on earth why God allowed for this to happen to me. But I am confident that His plan for my life is what's best for me, and He is still sovereign over all. He loves me. He loves my husband. He loves our baby. The second our baby's heartbeat stopped here on earth, it started in heaven with Jesus. Whatever was broken is now healed. On Papa's birthday, he got to meet his newest great grandchild. What a comforting thought that is. And one day, we will get to spend forever together. I've found peace in knowing life is a vapor, and eternity is eternity. 

During my hardest season while I still wrestle with anger and pain, I choose to be grateful. I'm so grateful for the month I knew I was pregnant. I'm so grateful for the supernatural bond I felt with my baby. I'm so grateful for the joy we shared with our families over new life. I'm so grateful I got the privilege of hearing my baby's heartbeat. I'm so grateful I'm physically okay. God protected me, provided for me, and comforted me in my darkest hour (Psalm 23). His plan is greater than my pain and current circumstances. He will use my story for good in my life or in someone else's (1 Corinthians 1:3-7)

In 1988 Ronald Reagan announced that October would be Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Month to recognize the unique grief and loss that at least 25% of families experience. Pregnancy and Infancy Loss is such a hard topic to talk about. The emotions are difficult to navigate and express. It feels too heavy and too delicate. It seems easier to stay quiet. I completely understand and respect those who want to keep their story private. But when I experienced my pregnancy loss, one of the first things I said to my husband was "Why is no one talking about this? This wasn't just "a heavy period." I felt alone, traumatized, and scared. The wonderful women who have shared their stories with me over the past few weeks have been such a great source of strength. There are so many of us. I hope one day I can help someone too.

I wasn't sure if I was ready to share a little of my story yet, but I felt God calling me to. Not only does His light shine through my hard circumstance, but I also strongly feel it's important to recognize and honor unborn life. Writing has always been an outlet for me to process things, and I think sharing will help me find more closure and peace. If you too are walking through the grief of a miscarriage, I hope you feel seen and understood. Your feelings of grief are valid. The baby you lost was a beautiful soul knit together perfectly by God that He loves more than you can imagine...no matter how small. Your sweet baby now rests in the arms of Jesus. You are not alone. 1 in 4 of us are grieving alongside you. And if you haven't experienced this type of loss, I pray you never do. Please remember to be sensitive and mindful when discussing pregnancy and children with other women especially those you don't know well. 

I hope you take time to read and meditate through some of the scripture passages I referenced. They have been a source of great encouragement and comfort for me. I want to leave you with Romans 8:38-39:

" For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."